Research shows...

Research has shown that 90% of research is unnecessary, or in other words, that only 10% can have real- world application. Even then, sometimes it takes a creative genius, such as myself, to discover those applications.

Take, for instance, the well-known statistical research that 90% of accidents happen within 10 miles of home.  This, on the surface, may seem like most people only travel within 10 miles of their own houses, when in actuality, there is a statistical personal ring-of-death that extends 10 miles from each person’s home. The actual reasons behind this are too mystical and complicated to examine here. The more important question is “what do I do about it?”, or “what is the real world application?”

First, I took a map and drew a circle representing a 10-mile radius around my house-- my personal ring-of-death. Next, I asked my wife if I could use the scissors. one should always use scissors with adult supervision! When she was able to supervise, I cut that circle right out of the map.

Then I went to the phone book and found a place to store my car, outside that 10-mile circle. When I need to drive somewhere, outside of my ring-of-death, I walk a block, get on the bus and ride to my car. Once I am safely outside that 10-mile radius, I get in my car and drive to my destination. Provided, of course, the destination is outside my death ring. This has brought great peace of mind, knowing that this simple change in my behavior has resulted in a 9-fold reduction in the possibility of my dying in a horrible fiery wreck. Thank you research!

The next item for consideration is glasses. Not the ones you drink from, but, more correctly, corrective lenses. Research shows that people who wear glasses are perceived as being more intelligent than those without spectacles. I also have applied this to my everyday life. I have a pair of glasses that I usually keep perched on top of my head and when someone asks me a difficult question, I slide them off the top of my head and perch them on my nose. Now there is something in that very act that makes me feel more intelligent and it seems to shock and awe innocent bystanders as they are bedazzled and bewildered by my brilliance.

Just the other day I was shopping at Wegmans, with my corrective lenses smartly perched on my lush head of hair, when an unsuspecting shopper was caught in the glare of my obvious brilliance. She handed me a package and asked if the item was worth buying. I slid the glasses to my nose, almost causing the entire population of that row to swoon in wonder, and read that it contained bromated bromesium, apopleptic arsenic, seizium citrate, red dye #3, yellow dye #4, and love potion #9. I responded to the fellow shopper that it would be better to go to the produce aisle and buy some fruits and vegetables for the following reasons. First, they only have one ingredient per package, i.e. apple or banana, or yellow squash. B, the packages are much easier to open, I had opened one of the items she had in her cart, and the package split open, spilling the entire contents all over the kitchen, dining room, and much of the Yucatan Peninsula. The packaging on produce is much easier to open, and in some cases, such as apples, is edible. Finally, I insisted that the produce tasted much better than the item she was considering buying. The now wise and well-informed shopper put her box of dishwasher detergent back and the shelf and hurried to the produce aisle. Research yet again saves the day!

The last item of research to be considered is new research that shows that technology actually keeps people awake. This has something to do with the wavelengths of light coming from computer monitors causing the body to not produce the appropriate amount of melatonin to make people feel drowsy and fall asleep. This has the potential to be one of the most lifesaving pieces of research in recent memory.

Most lawmakers generally wear contacts, which greatly dulls their intellect. However, they have been smart enough to notice that a driver staring at his or her lap trying to spell words out on a tiny one- inch by one-inch screen tends not to notice traffic conditions around them and have been known to bump into other drivers, signposts, and even wayward jet airplanes, all with great violence. Thus the lawmakers, whose entire existence is wrapped up in making laws, made it illegal to text and drive.  They then sat back to watch the number of car accidents decrease and the number of happy-to-be-alive voters increase . These happy-to-be-alive voters would, of course, vote for them. The increase has been only slight. Why? Because the emissions from the screens of phones were keeping drivers awake, so now they are bumping into things because they are falling asleep.