Friday, January 31, 2014

Seahawks or Broncos, Who Will Win?

This weekend is the American spectacle known as the Super Bowl for the game of football. American football should not be confused with the football of the rest of the world. In American football, two multi- million dollar corporations put eleven men at a time on a field and attempt to move a somewhat "egg"shaped ball down the field into the opposing team's end zone. The ball is moved by throwing and or running with it, until a three hundred pound man, with hair longer than most supermodel’s hair, throws the ball carrier to the ground.

Upon moving the ball into the other teams end zone, they earn six points, scream touchdown, and qualify to try to earn another point by kicking the ball through a set of two large sticks called "goal posts''. If they fail to get to the opposing team's goal, they can try to kick the ball through the set of large sticks and earn three points, that is called a Field Goal.

It is plain to see that American football is more complicated and confusing than the rest of the world’s football. Simply put, American’s don’t like anything simply put.

This year, the two teams that have defeated enough of their opponents to make it into the Super Bowl are the Seattle Seahawks and the Denver Broncos.

Seattle is located on the western coast of the U.S.; Denver is located in the Rocky Mountains in the western portion of the States, nowhere near the ocean.

You may not think that geography plays a role in such athletic endeavors, however I assure you that it does. As any true spots fanatic will tell you, sock color, facial hair, and choice of snacks eaten during the game, all effect the outcome of this athletic combat. 

This year, the Super Bowl is being held near New York City, a flat area relatively close to the Atlantic Ocean. This will give the benefit to Seattle, since that team practices and plays home games right near the waterfront of Puget Sound.

Denver plays in the Mile High Stadium, which I am told has nothing to do with their legalization of marijuana, but with the fact that they are nestled in the Rocky Mountains at an elevation of one mile. Any advantage this may give the Bronco’s is nullified due to the fact that Seattle is right next to the Olympic Mountains, which is where all the Greek gods go skiing during their holidays.

Paul Allen, the owner of the Seahawks, is a co-founder of Microsoft. He spends quite a bit of money on the intricacies of the human brain. He is a very thoughtful person, and this intellectualism rubs off on his team, making them a smart choice.

Pat Bowlen owns the Broncos. He made his money in Canadian oil. There are two problems with that. First, oil, because nobody likes oil men. The second problem is Canada. This is a country that has embraced neither American football, nor the rest of the worlds football. Instead, they elect to skate around on ice, with sticks, trying to fling frozen cow droppings at their opponents goal. They call this sport hokey. (Author’s note: I didn’t misspell hokey.)

Therefore, in my deep intellectual analysis of this year’s Super Bowl, I am going to have to give the win to the Seattle Seahawks.

Friday, January 24, 2014

Why Do I Have a Beard?

I have to confess that one of my favorite T.V. shows is Duck Dynasty. I find the shenanagins of this southern, red-necked family to be full of innocent hilarity. If you have spent any time over the past few years in any place but under a rock, I am sure you have seen something of this family. It is hard to miss them, since all of the men of the show have beards, and not just any old beard, but very distinct, thick, long beards.

One of the common themes throughout the show revolves around how the men’s beards distinguish them as not just men, but hunting, outdoorsy men. I too, have a beard. It is not long and thick like the Duck men’s beards, and I usually keep mine trimmed quite close.

I have to admit that I didn’t grow my beard because I am an outdoorsy hunting kind of man. Although, a friend and I once tried to catch a pheasant with our bare hands. Another time I chased a deer down a path towards my brother, who was hiding and waiting for it. When it ran past, my brother jumped up and slapped it. Thankfully, neither my brother nor I had weapons, although I suppose my brother could have induced a myocardial infarction in the deer. You see, my brother has the tendency to scare people to death. I don’t see why a deer would be any different. It would have been exciting to see what mother would have said had we dragged a dead deer home. I suspect she would not have been enthused.

The real reason that I have a beard? I am lazy and I am not a morning person. When I was in college I had classes at 8 AM, every semester. I would go to classses with a scruff on my chin that was not adorable. It wasnt even sexy, like the hipster scruff that I see young gentleman sporting. By the way, if you are a female hipster sporting scruff all over your face, I beg you to shave; it is quite unbecoming.

There are two benefits to having a beard. First, in the bitter cold weather we have been experiencing here in the Northeastern United States,with temperatures in the single digits and wind chills
well below zero, it keeps my face warm. Also, if I decide to grow it out, I can play a department store Santa.