Why Do I Have a Beard?

I have to confess that one of my favorite T.V. shows is Duck Dynasty. I find the shenanagins of this southern, red-necked family to be full of innocent hilarity. If you have spent any time over the past few years in any place but under a rock, I am sure you have seen something of this family. It is hard to miss them, since all of the men of the show have beards, and not just any old beard, but very distinct, thick, long beards.

One of the common themes throughout the show revolves around how the men’s beards distinguish them as not just men, but hunting, outdoorsy men. I too, have a beard. It is not long and thick like the Duck men’s beards, and I usually keep mine trimmed quite close.

I have to admit that I didn’t grow my beard because I am an outdoorsy hunting kind of man. Although, a friend and I once tried to catch a pheasant with our bare hands. Another time I chased a deer down a path towards my brother, who was hiding and waiting for it. When it ran past, my brother jumped up and slapped it. Thankfully, neither my brother nor I had weapons, although I suppose my brother could have induced a myocardial infarction in the deer. You see, my brother has the tendency to scare people to death. I don’t see why a deer would be any different. It would have been exciting to see what mother would have said had we dragged a dead deer home. I suspect she would not have been enthused.

The real reason that I have a beard? I am lazy and I am not a morning person. When I was in college I had classes at 8 AM, every semester. I would go to classses with a scruff on my chin that was not adorable. It wasnt even sexy, like the hipster scruff that I see young gentleman sporting. By the way, if you are a female hipster sporting scruff all over your face, I beg you to shave; it is quite unbecoming.

There are two benefits to having a beard. First, in the bitter cold weather we have been experiencing here in the Northeastern United States,with temperatures in the single digits and wind chills

well below zero, it keeps my face warm. Also, if I decide to grow it out, I can play a department store Santa.