Thursday, February 2, 2012

My second annual Super Bowl prediction.

It is time for my Super Bowl prediction. This is my second annual prediction; last year’s being the first annual. Last year I did not do so well with the prediction thing, but this year I have fine-tuned my equations, sharpened my data collection techniques, and have amassed large amounts of data to be analyzed and processed.

Who am I trying to kid? I do not think I have watched either of these teams play a single game this last season. In truth, I had to Google to find out that Eli Manning is the quarterback for the Giants and Tom Brady is throwing the ball for the Patriots.

It is the names of these two men that are most important. Forget all the other hoopla about interceptions, completion percentages, and number of times sacked. Football fans want a quarterback for whom they can cheer. Imagine a few thousand people cheering for Tom Brady. As they shout his name it begins to sound like thousands of hippies from the 1970’s starting to meditate. “Tommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm”. The gentle humming fills the stadium as the fans and players start to center on their happy place and become one with the universe. That is, until a 300-pound linebacker sacks Mr. Brady, making him one with the astro-turf. Fortunately, for the astro-turf, Mr. Brady has a last name; that being Brady. It is a good last name for a crowd to chant, with a mixture of sharp vowels, hard consonants, and easily adapted to a militaristic singsong marching cadence that will inspire a trip to the end zone.

Mr. Manning, on the other hand, is not so fortunate. His last name, I fear, will deteriorate into the kind of hubbub and din that one would expect at a cocktail party; a large, boisterous, rambunctious cocktail party, but still without any ability to inspire.  His first name is only slightly better. Eli has sharp vowels and the possibility of becoming a terrifying war chant. My suspicion, however, is that the “L” sound in his name will get lost as the crowds chant. This is a particularly reasonable expectation considering the large amounts of Super Bowl grog quaffed by the chanters. Losing the lone consonant in Eli’s name, will reduce the chant to the sound of schoolchildren returning from a field trip, singing “Old McDonald” on that long bus ride home. But, they get stuck part way into the chorus and keep singing, “E-I, E-I” never quite reaching the “ohhhhh”.

Another deciding factor is each team’s upbringing, or more specifically, their home fields and the impact it has on the team psyche. The Giants share their stadium with the New York Jets, who are known for breaking out into dance and singing at the Giants, “Once you’re a Jet,/ You’re a Jet all the way/from your first cigarette/To your last dying day.” This poor behavior and the obvious friction is not good for the Giants. Additionally, their stadium is known as the MetLife stadium. Met Life is most famous for two things, blimps and paying people to die.

The Patriots have a stadium all to themselves, the Gillette stadium, which is, as everyone knows, “The best a man can get.”

A lawyer and an actor/TV producer own the Giants. This makes them only slightly more trustworthy than a politician. The Kraft family owns the Patriots. This brings to mind bowls and bowls of Kraft macaroni and cheese, which millions of family’s across the country put in their supper bowls. It is only a small step for this family to fill out a Super Bowl.

Therefore, my expert insight and analysis predicts that the winner of this year’s Super Bowl will be the New England Patriots.

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