I Love New York, Where we are Thirty Percent Safer

Greetings from New York State, where we are safe; at least we are thirty percent safer than we were a week ago. The beloved Governor of New York introduced a bill to the esteemed congress that, among other things, limited the capacity of clips from ten bullets to seven. By applying the simplistic property of statistics, this will result in thirty percent less gun violence in our fair state. Therefore, we all feel much safer, by a third. It is also better for the planet, since there will be a thirty percent reduction in resources used in making bullets.

Some of the arguments for this lucky number of seven rounds per clip are that if you were in a bad situation and someone was firing a gun you would only need to find seven strangers to hide behind. Unless you are a big lumbering guy like myself. I would find my seven strangers to hide behind and would probably quickly find that those seven strangers were hiding behind me.

It is also a known fact, as is blatantly evident on prime time television shows, that the bad guys have notoriously bad aim. It takes them at least seven shots before they can zero in on their target and cause any damage, therefore it is only the last three bullets in the clip that are deadly. This is because bad guy bullets are aimless and lack proper guidance.

In contrast, the good guys can, with only one bullet, at 100 yards, take out the bad guy. This is why Deputy Barney Fife only carried one bullet, in the pocket of his shirt, that was all he needed. Not only that, but the bullets fired by a good guy are compassionate little buggers. If the bad guy they were fired at is simply a misguided soul, forced to eat brussel sprouts as a child, and doesn’t deserve to die, the bullet will not kill that bad guy, it instead will compassionately embed itself in his leg, causing him to immediately regret his past bad actions and instantaneously become a model citizen.

And if it is on TV, it has to be true.

Also included in the law is a requirement that mental health professionals report to the government if any of their patients might become violent and dangerous. This has resulted in cancellation of many therapy appointments by people who own guns and a total redefinition of the meaning of confidentiality within the health care field.

But we are thirty percent safer.

As a disclosure, I do not own a gun. I have never owned a gun. Except for that cap gun I keep in my sock drawer as a memento of my childhood, and I think it holds eight rounds.