Mother's Day, Birthdays, and Shopping

The last week has been packed full of activity: Advanced Placement tests for the two youngest, along with their synchronized swimming show; Eldest had her week of final exams; Beloved has been in the midst of important meetings at work. To put a cap on either side of the busy week, last weekend Beloved and Littlest celebrated their birthday (yes, they share the same birthday, but not birth date!), and, of course,here in the states, this weekend we are celebrating Mother’s Day.

I must confess, any occasion for a party is a wonderful thing. However, Birthdays and Mother’s Day mean one very unfortunate thing: shopping. I dislike shopping...no, I loathe shopping. I don’t like the crowds, nor do I like standing around in a line. I am always amazed at how hundreds of people manage to pilot hulking metal ships on wheels in concert with each other, up and down and across narrow strips of pavement, allowing each person to safely reach his or her destination. 
 
Yet, these same people, who can manage that complicated dance in the ebb and flow of traffic, somehow lose all sense when they arrive at the store or mall. They walk in large, slow, ponderous, herds--obstructing the flow of traffic. They stop in the middle of walkways for no apparent reason. Instead of keeping to the right, they find great pleasure in walking to the left.
 
Not only are my fellow shoppers an irritant, often the stores themselves are frustrating. I have often found myself breezing through a store, picking up a few essential items, ecstatic that the store is relatively empty, and I am making good time. That is, until I reach the check-out lines. Or should I say, check-out line. Inside this massive warehouse, that has been turned into a place to shop for socks, batteries, and dill pickles, there is only one cashier working, and the store is empty because every customer inside the large concrete box is standing in line waiting to pay.
 
As I watch the seconds slip by, and the minutes melt away, I start to fuss internally a little. Soon that fussing turns to fretting and boils over into a quiet fury. I am so frustrated, as I stand there with my menial purchases, I want to yell at the top of my lungs, “Hey Mr. Big Box Mart, Don’t You want My Money?”.
When I shop for Beloved, it only adds to my agitation; for I must confess, that I have not always given her gifts that were amazing. In fact, I am so relieved at holiday time when she picks out her own clothes for me to give to her--it relieves so much pressure. 
 
For the past few weeks, these concerns fermented in the dark corners of my mind. Then, as I was perusing Twitter and Facebook, I ran across an article from the Associated Press regarding 5 possible features for a new phone that might be offered by Amazon. I realized that, while this was extremely speculative, it may offer a solution to my shopping problem: I could get my wife a new phone.
The first feature mentioned in the article is 3D shopping, which is just like real shopping, except you can’t stop at the pretzel place to buy a warm, aromatic pretzel; or you can't stop at the cookie stand to enjoy a warm, gooey, chocolate chip cookie; nor can you stop at the coffee shop to get a jolt of caffeine to keep up the marathon shopping. Frankly, that stinks.
 
The next possible feature is enhanced games. I guess I might be old, but what's wrong with the good old games we have now? If we are honest, games are a waste of time. If I am going to waste time, I am going to do that on Facebook or Twitter. I must profess, I do have solitaire on my phone as a survival tool. In case I am ever lost in the wilderness, or stranded on some uncharted tropical island, I will simply launch solitaire, and soon, someone will be looking over my shoulder to tell me to play the nine of hearts on the ten of clubs. 
 
Seamless grocery shopping is another possible feature touted in the article. The author suggests that one will simply be able to walk into their pantry, wave their phone around, and magically, Amazon will send them groceries to replace the items a customer is running low on. I mentioned I hate shopping; however, I love eating, and so grocery shopping is a wonderful time that my wife and I get to spend together. We explore the aisles for delicacies and delights to share with our three daughters. It is a wonderful experience. I have to add, that we shop at Wegmans, which is known for taking the mundane experience of shopping and turning it into an experience to be celebrated.
 
Feature number four is free-streaming video. I have a television, thank you.
 
Lastly, the author mentions that competitive pricing would be something offered in Amazon’s new phone. This basically means if you want more features, you have to pay more money. This is hardly an innovation.
 
After reading the article, I decided I would not be buying an Amazon phone for Beloved. Despite the fact that she loves shopping, and this phone would seem to augment the shopping experience, she loves to do two things more than shopping. Those would be talking and texting, and this article doesn’t indicate that this new phone can do either.

Research shows...

Research has shown that 90% of research is unnecessary, or in other words, that only 10% can have real- world application. Even then, sometimes it takes a creative genius, such as myself, to discover those applications.

Take, for instance, the well-known statistical research that 90% of accidents happen within 10 miles of home.  This, on the surface, may seem like most people only travel within 10 miles of their own houses, when in actuality, there is a statistical personal ring-of-death that extends 10 miles from each person’s home. The actual reasons behind this are too mystical and complicated to examine here. The more important question is “what do I do about it?”, or “what is the real world application?”

First, I took a map and drew a circle representing a 10-mile radius around my house-- my personal ring-of-death. Next, I asked my wife if I could use the scissors. one should always use scissors with adult supervision! When she was able to supervise, I cut that circle right out of the map.

Then I went to the phone book and found a place to store my car, outside that 10-mile circle. When I need to drive somewhere, outside of my ring-of-death, I walk a block, get on the bus and ride to my car. Once I am safely outside that 10-mile radius, I get in my car and drive to my destination. Provided, of course, the destination is outside my death ring. This has brought great peace of mind, knowing that this simple change in my behavior has resulted in a 9-fold reduction in the possibility of my dying in a horrible fiery wreck. Thank you research!

The next item for consideration is glasses. Not the ones you drink from, but, more correctly, corrective lenses. Research shows that people who wear glasses are perceived as being more intelligent than those without spectacles. I also have applied this to my everyday life. I have a pair of glasses that I usually keep perched on top of my head and when someone asks me a difficult question, I slide them off the top of my head and perch them on my nose. Now there is something in that very act that makes me feel more intelligent and it seems to shock and awe innocent bystanders as they are bedazzled and bewildered by my brilliance.

Just the other day I was shopping at Wegmans, with my corrective lenses smartly perched on my lush head of hair, when an unsuspecting shopper was caught in the glare of my obvious brilliance. She handed me a package and asked if the item was worth buying. I slid the glasses to my nose, almost causing the entire population of that row to swoon in wonder, and read that it contained bromated bromesium, apopleptic arsenic, seizium citrate, red dye #3, yellow dye #4, and love potion #9. I responded to the fellow shopper that it would be better to go to the produce aisle and buy some fruits and vegetables for the following reasons. First, they only have one ingredient per package, i.e. apple or banana, or yellow squash. B, the packages are much easier to open, I had opened one of the items she had in her cart, and the package split open, spilling the entire contents all over the kitchen, dining room, and much of the Yucatan Peninsula. The packaging on produce is much easier to open, and in some cases, such as apples, is edible. Finally, I insisted that the produce tasted much better than the item she was considering buying. The now wise and well-informed shopper put her box of dishwasher detergent back and the shelf and hurried to the produce aisle. Research yet again saves the day!

The last item of research to be considered is new research that shows that technology actually keeps people awake. This has something to do with the wavelengths of light coming from computer monitors causing the body to not produce the appropriate amount of melatonin to make people feel drowsy and fall asleep. This has the potential to be one of the most lifesaving pieces of research in recent memory.

Most lawmakers generally wear contacts, which greatly dulls their intellect. However, they have been smart enough to notice that a driver staring at his or her lap trying to spell words out on a tiny one- inch by one-inch screen tends not to notice traffic conditions around them and have been known to bump into other drivers, signposts, and even wayward jet airplanes, all with great violence. Thus the lawmakers, whose entire existence is wrapped up in making laws, made it illegal to text and drive.  They then sat back to watch the number of car accidents decrease and the number of happy-to-be-alive voters increase . These happy-to-be-alive voters would, of course, vote for them. The increase has been only slight. Why? Because the emissions from the screens of phones were keeping drivers awake, so now they are bumping into things because they are falling asleep.