Illegal Aliens, not as bad as we think.

The state of Georgia has passed a law. The law criminalizes harboring or concealing an illegal alien. I say, “It is about time.” Anyone who has carefully monitored this situation realizes that aliens, illegal or otherwise, are an evil breed. The only two aliens known to have not been evil, vile creatures are E.T. and Martin, from “My Favorite Martian.” Every other alien has been blood sucking, laser shooting, humanity destroying, peanut butter and jelly sandwich stealing creature from other planets.

My youngest daughter, Littlest, has just read my first paragraph, over my shoulder and corrected me. Apparently, Georgia is not concerned with aliens from outer space intent upon harvesting our brains, they are more concerned with people from other countries in the US illegally, and who are here to harvest our crops.

The Georgia General Assembly, concerned about illegal immigrants taking jobs from citizens has taken these steps to preserve these jobs for the fine citizens of that state. There is only one problem. No one wants those jobs. Farming is hard work, which apparently Lawmakers know nothing about. I have spent some time tossing bales of hay around, up onto hay wagons, and stacking them in the barn. It was hard work and that was a few years ago. More recently, I have picked strawberries, not a large amount, just a few quarts. I am older, and it was harder. My back was so sore I had to lay flat on my back for months.

Tom Rivers, a fine, strong, young, journalist, has written a book, “Farm Hands”. The Georgia General Assembly would have done well to read. (I think that they should be able read, even if they do not know anything about hard work.) Tom nicely relates how difficult farm work is, and how hard agricultural laborers work.

Because of the new penalties against illegal aliens working, there are 11,000 to few laborers on farms in Georgia. Crops are going to waste. Fear not, the state of Georgia has a solution. Criminals. Yes, ex criminals, who cannot find work, are encouraged to toil under the hot Georgia sun, picking peanuts, cucumbers and other vegetables. I have observed that criminals have something in common with Lawmakers, besides the obvious penchant for breaking laws, neither like to work hard. Lawmakers become lawmakers to avoid toiling under the hot sun, and criminals commit crimes, rather than finding a job. Criminals are not flocking en masse to Georgia farms to labor, thankful that they have work and there is still 11,000 too few agricultural workers.

In other news, economists predict that we will all be paying higher prices for food…well no duh! The largest producer of peanut butter, when asked about the lack of peanuts, responded that they are “Watching this sticky situation closely.” The leading maker of condiments has stated, “We do not relish the possibility of higher cucumber prices.”

My sources tell me that NASA has been transmitting world maps into space. The maps have an arrow pointing to Georgia, along with the words written in 6 different languages, including Klingon, “Attention Illegal Aliens, You are welcome here.”

The real story behind Daylight Savings Time

                Today the sun shines. If you live anywhere else besides Rochester, this may not be amazing news. For those of us who live in the cloud belt it is miraculous. In fact, after a long winter of cloudy bleakness, when the sun reappears from behind the perpetual cloudbank, many residents take their small children outside to explain what that big yellow-orange ball hanging in the sky is. Children often wake up on days like today, see the clouds are gone, break into panic, and start to cry. It is almost as if some horrible person has taken away their comforting blanket.

                The only people who find no comfort in the appearance of the spring sun and the warming temperatures are, to be gentle, flakes—if you get my drift. Therefore, now we concern ourselves with spring and summer things like gardens, lawn care, and sunburn. Soon I shall be out in the yard, sweating, swatting mosquitoes, and wishing for cooler weather.

                One of the unfortunate problems with spring is the switch to Daylight Savings Time, which is the invention of lawmakers. As history tells it, one day a group of lawmakers were hanging around with nothing in particular to do. Now if ordinary citizens are hanging around with nothing to do, it is called an unruly mob. When politicians hang around together with nothing to do, it is called a committee. This committee was discussing the fact that during winter the days get shorter, and after a long day of sitting around, making laws, and wandering around town in committees wreaking havoc and causing general chaos, there was not enough daylight left to go home and accomplish anything worthwhile.

                Thus, the committee contrived a way to save daylight, or as we now know it, Daylight Savings Time. Delighted with themselves they went home and immediately bragged to their wives about the wonderful shiny, new law they had made. Their wives told them it would not work, since it was obvious there were only a certain number of hours the sun shines every day; changing clocks may make the sun set later, but it would not shine any longer. The lawmakers explained to their wives that they could not understand the process of lawmaking and saving daylight. These things were important law-stuff. It took unruly hordes, or rather committees, to properly investigate these sensitive issues, generate large important looking reports, and to make the important laws necessary to save daylight.

                The wives scowled at their husbands, told them to wash the children’s hands, and help them set the table. And things were fine— until the first day of Daylight Savings Time. When the lawmakers wives had to call their husbands hundreds of times, “Are you going to get up?!  You have to be to work in less than half-an-hour!” The lawmakers, looking at their clocks and realizing what time it was, rushed out of bed, griping at anyone who would listen about how late they were, how they had to get to work and make laws, and how important they were.

                While in lawmaking session, lawmakers sat and listened to each other talk about all the problems in their constituencies (which is a fancy word for the people who elected them). When they drifted off to sleep, other lawmakers would nudge them with heavy law books to keep them awake or someone would bang a wooden mallet on the desk to startle the offending snoozer (they used a wooden mallet because no one trusted them with a real hammer). Finally, after a long day of trying to make up laws, but being too tired to really think of anything to law about, they went home. The lawmakers strolled up the walks to their houses feeling good and self-important; since the sun was still shining, because they had saved it.

                He said to his wife, “I am sorry I am late, there were many accidents on the road today, but look dear, the sun is still shining at this late hour, and it is because of the law my committee wrote. The wife simply shook her head. Our intrepid lawmaker fell asleep sitting on the couch, content in his self-satisfaction in saving daylight. Wholly oblivious to the mayhem on the highway and the mayhem in his living room, as his grumpy kids fought and argued. 

Research shows...

Research has shown that 90% of research is unnecessary, or in other words, that only 10% can have real- world application. Even then, sometimes it takes a creative genius, such as myself, to discover those applications.

Take, for instance, the well-known statistical research that 90% of accidents happen within 10 miles of home.  This, on the surface, may seem like most people only travel within 10 miles of their own houses, when in actuality, there is a statistical personal ring-of-death that extends 10 miles from each person’s home. The actual reasons behind this are too mystical and complicated to examine here. The more important question is “what do I do about it?”, or “what is the real world application?”

First, I took a map and drew a circle representing a 10-mile radius around my house-- my personal ring-of-death. Next, I asked my wife if I could use the scissors. one should always use scissors with adult supervision! When she was able to supervise, I cut that circle right out of the map.

Then I went to the phone book and found a place to store my car, outside that 10-mile circle. When I need to drive somewhere, outside of my ring-of-death, I walk a block, get on the bus and ride to my car. Once I am safely outside that 10-mile radius, I get in my car and drive to my destination. Provided, of course, the destination is outside my death ring. This has brought great peace of mind, knowing that this simple change in my behavior has resulted in a 9-fold reduction in the possibility of my dying in a horrible fiery wreck. Thank you research!

The next item for consideration is glasses. Not the ones you drink from, but, more correctly, corrective lenses. Research shows that people who wear glasses are perceived as being more intelligent than those without spectacles. I also have applied this to my everyday life. I have a pair of glasses that I usually keep perched on top of my head and when someone asks me a difficult question, I slide them off the top of my head and perch them on my nose. Now there is something in that very act that makes me feel more intelligent and it seems to shock and awe innocent bystanders as they are bedazzled and bewildered by my brilliance.

Just the other day I was shopping at Wegmans, with my corrective lenses smartly perched on my lush head of hair, when an unsuspecting shopper was caught in the glare of my obvious brilliance. She handed me a package and asked if the item was worth buying. I slid the glasses to my nose, almost causing the entire population of that row to swoon in wonder, and read that it contained bromated bromesium, apopleptic arsenic, seizium citrate, red dye #3, yellow dye #4, and love potion #9. I responded to the fellow shopper that it would be better to go to the produce aisle and buy some fruits and vegetables for the following reasons. First, they only have one ingredient per package, i.e. apple or banana, or yellow squash. B, the packages are much easier to open, I had opened one of the items she had in her cart, and the package split open, spilling the entire contents all over the kitchen, dining room, and much of the Yucatan Peninsula. The packaging on produce is much easier to open, and in some cases, such as apples, is edible. Finally, I insisted that the produce tasted much better than the item she was considering buying. The now wise and well-informed shopper put her box of dishwasher detergent back and the shelf and hurried to the produce aisle. Research yet again saves the day!

The last item of research to be considered is new research that shows that technology actually keeps people awake. This has something to do with the wavelengths of light coming from computer monitors causing the body to not produce the appropriate amount of melatonin to make people feel drowsy and fall asleep. This has the potential to be one of the most lifesaving pieces of research in recent memory.

Most lawmakers generally wear contacts, which greatly dulls their intellect. However, they have been smart enough to notice that a driver staring at his or her lap trying to spell words out on a tiny one- inch by one-inch screen tends not to notice traffic conditions around them and have been known to bump into other drivers, signposts, and even wayward jet airplanes, all with great violence. Thus the lawmakers, whose entire existence is wrapped up in making laws, made it illegal to text and drive.  They then sat back to watch the number of car accidents decrease and the number of happy-to-be-alive voters increase . These happy-to-be-alive voters would, of course, vote for them. The increase has been only slight. Why? Because the emissions from the screens of phones were keeping drivers awake, so now they are bumping into things because they are falling asleep.