Thursday, January 13, 2011

The wandering pole

I am overjoyed to report that no pilots have stopped their Boeing 747 in front of my house to ask for directions. In light of recent developments at the north pole, this is a relief.

This was a concern when I read, according to FOXNEWS, the north pole had moved. Thankfully, it did leave a forwarding address. Because of the move, however, the Tampa International Airport is putting up new signs along it’s runways to tell pilots which way to the north pole. A spokesperson was quoted as anonymously saying, “In this troubled economy, it was fiscally prudent to simply install new signs, rather than to have a moving company move the entire runway to point the right direction.”

Apparently pilots do not watch where they are going, they pilot by a complex mixture of GPS coordinates and compasses and so need to be told which way to the north pole. I am fuzzy on the details, but perhaps you remember the pilots a short time ago who missed the turn for an airport in the Midwest and almost ended up in Albuquerque. This was due to “inattention in the cockpit”. Which is why I tell my eldest daughter, who is learning to drive, “WATCH WHERE YOU ARE GOING!!” On a side note, she has never missed a turn and ended up in Albuquerque.

Unless I underestimate lawmakers insatiable need to hold hearings and initiate investigations, the lawmakers in Florida will launch a full scale investigation into who moved the North pole, why they were not informed, and how it could move without prior approval from the Committee in Charge of Pole Location.

The article did not specify exactly when the pole moved, although apparently it did not hamper Santa Claus from his flight of December 24 and 25. Additional investigations will most assuredly be conducted to ascertain whether Mr Claus had prior knowledge of the pole’s move, and whether this amounts to insider trading. Additionally, Federal Authorities are poring over Wikileaks to see whether any information regarding the move had been leaked to the web site and Congress is launching an investigation.

I am of the opinion that all of this hullabaloo about the north pole is half-baked. The real issue is the south pole. My third grade teacher demonstrated that the north and south poles of a magnet are always opposite each other, to further illustrate this fact he showed us the globe, where very plainly the north and south poles were on opposite sides of the globe. This would mean that if the south pole moved, the north pole would have to move as well, since even though they are magnetic relatives, like some family members, they don’t get along all that well.

With this information in mind, I did some research on the south pole and the Antarctic region. It appears that this anomaly is the work of the penguins. Those flightless birds of the southern polar region moved the south pole. Apparently the move was in support of the Pittsburgh Penguin Hockey Team, to whom the Penguin Business Association of the South Pole licenses the penguin likeness. This likeness-franchise brings needed financial support to the antarctic region, since most of the regions assets are frozen.

This fearless blogger has uncovered the following facts. First, as of the end of November, the Penguins have met the Tampa Bay Lightning two times. The Penguins lost one, and they won the other game. Their next scheduled meeting was in Pittsburgh on January 5. I believe the north pole, forced to move by the movement of the south pole, which was pushed from it’s normal resting spot by a bulldozer, stolen from McMurdo station, by a band of renegade Penguins. This happened sometime prior to the January 5 match up between the two teams.

It would be fairly obvious that the airplane, carrying the Tampa Bay Lightning, upon leaving the airport, got lost due to the new location of the north pole. The brave pilots of the aircraft, with nerves of steel, found Pittsburgh. But, the delay and added stress of being lost bewildered the usually flashy Lightning, who lost to the Penguins in a thunderous 1 to 8 score.The next meeting between the two teams is not until March 31, in Tampa, by which time the airport in Tampa will have completed putting up the new signs, allowing for the safe and timely landing and departure of the Penguins. As was, undoubtedly, the plan of the antarctic penguins.

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