Thursday, January 26, 2012

Kodak's decline and the rest of the story.

My middle daughter, Middlest, recently told me, “Dad, you’re pretending to know things again.” Yes, the joy of parenting teenagers has struck. No longer am I the smartest, handsomest, and most wonderful man in the world. I am now the man who “makes up stuff he knows.”

Unfortunately, a recent event further convinced Littlest of this. I was sharing with someone about my wife’s cousin, who after a near 12 month, all expenses paid (by the United States Army) junket to various exotic locations, whose names rhyme with Iraq and Afghanistan, had just returned home—to Oklahoma.

As soon as she heard me say, “Oklahoma.” Littlest burst out, “Dad, there you go again, pretending to know stuff again. He doesn’t live in Oklahoma; he lives in Kansas.” Unfortunately, I have never been good with names and it tripped me up. Kansas and Oklahoma are so similar. Both are out in the middle of the country somewhere, and they are both flat. It is hard to tell them apart. This apparent similarity was completely overlooked by my daughter.

The analysis I have completed of Kodak is not made up. I exhaustively researched this topic and by that, I mean I Googled some stuff until I was exhausted and I was sure my hypothesis was right.

Kodak’s current problems are not the result of mismanagement, poor branding, or too much reliance on film. They are because of Martians. In the late 90’s NASA successfully launched the Mars Rover, which very soon began to transmit digital images back to earth. These images were captured on a Kodak digital camera. This camera was a stock model, modified only to endure the rigors of space travel. This landing on Martian soil capped off years of visually monitoring the planet, much of which was done using cameras and telescopes with lenses and mirrors manufactured by Kodak.

This may seem to us like normal, healthy curiosity. However, to the Martian species it is not. The Warner brothers, documentary film producers, have documented Martian-Earthling interaction with one Martian, whom they dubbed “Marvin” with some of earth’s wildlife. It is apparent, after just a few moments of viewing, that Martians are quiet, private, and almost innocuous beings, with a penchant for violence when they are aggravated and angered.

The next item to consider is the absence of Kodak top executives and the sudden resignation of some members of the board of directors. Many Rochester journalists have been trying to speak with Antonio Perez, Kodak’s CEO, but he has been unavailable for interviews. I myself have undertaken a search for these top executives.  and have had little luck. I have searched my local Wegman’s, Kmart, bank, Pizza-hut, McDonalds, along with a few other places and have found only one of these top executives.

Based on these facts, it is apparent that many of Kodak’s top executives have either been abducted by Martians, or have had their bodies taken over as hosts for these aliens.  The exceptions being chemists, who have absorbed so many chemicals into their bodies that Martians find them unsuitable for habitation. This also explains the departure of two members of the board of directors. Their contracts specifically precluded them from alien infestations, and that is why they relinquished their positions on the board.

The end goal of the Martian invasion of Kodak is to keep their plan private and away from the prying eyes of the world. Therefore, as soon as they have dismantled Kodak’s efforts to spy on Mars, everything will return to a semblance of normalcy.

In the interest of full disclosure, neither I nor anyone in my family either have been abducted by aliens, or have been a host to alien beings; although my brother is a bit out there, if you know what I mean.

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