Friday, October 5, 2012

The Bacon Shortage, or the Aporkalypse.

Apparently, there is a shortage of bacon in Europe. For decades, doctors have warned us that consuming this delicacy was bad for our health.  Bacon can cause heart and kidney disease, we have been warned time and time again. It seems that after all of these warnings, the pigs are finally listening and are neither reproducing fast enough (they are, after all, not rabbits) nor growing large enough to produce much in the way of bacon.   I know this by studying the word ‘shortage’, which comes from some word in some ancient language, which means un-tall. Not only is our benevolent big government dictating what we can and cannot eat, cases in point—New York City banning all large sweetened beverages and the Federal Government reducing the size of school lunches--but now the Animal Kingdom is taking a strong stance against the unhealthy choices we humans make.

There are other theories regarding this bacon shortage. Stephen Colbert, who has his own television show, or something, has made some amazing claims against President Obama regarding this shortage.

Another theory explains that Europe has outlawed some of the ways pigs are bred and raised; ways that are inhumane. I submit that pigs are not human and should not expect to be treated as such. Even if they were human, look at how we treat ourselves. We mistreat each other horribly with wars, crime, forced poverty, and playing the music of Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj in public. Nevertheless, Europeans feel they must treat swine better; so they do, and this will raise the price of bacon. But, only in Europe. We, in America, get most of our bacon from good old US of A swine. I think that European swine are still angry over the Revolutionary war.

The weather here in the states has caused problems in growing the primary ingredients of a pigs diet, namely, slop. It is very difficult to define and quantify what exactly slop is, but let me assure you, when you see slop, you will know what it is immediately. Due to the dry weather conditions this summer across much of continent, there was a significant drop in the slop crop. This will raise the price of slop, making it more expensive, and thus making the price of bacon rise as well.

Bacon will be plentiful, but expensive and, I have been told, for this there is no cure. This I can live with. I would write more about this but all this talk of bacon has made me hungry. So, I am off to have breakfast.

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