Thursday, February 14, 2013

I am a Valentine's Day Failure

I have a confession, I am a Valentine’s Day failure. In the early days of our marriage, when I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day she replied, “Oh, nothing special.”

I believed her.

Call me young, dumb, or naive, but I believed her. Perhaps, I should say I took her literally. Now after a bunch of years into the relationship (yes I somehow managed to escape that nasty Valentine’s with my life) I am much wiser. My lovely wife is a bit wiser too, and has come to realize that as amazing as I am, I cannot read minds.

I have a degree in psychology and can tell volumes by reading subtle non-verbal cues. These cues are often missed by the average lay person.

Allow me to illustrate. If a person has fluid leaking from red watery eyes, they are sad...or suffering from severe allergies. If their eyebrows are pushed together, the forehead has deep furrows, and eyelids are almost closed, they are angry...or staring into a bright light.

Despite these keen, deep insights into the cues of non-verbal communication, I cannot read minds. Beloved, realizing this singular deficit within me, gave me subtle hints as to what she wanted this year, by leaving sales circulars in my spot at the dining room table.

Wanting to make this gift personal, I spent several weeks researching the cost of purchasing and keeping a pet Alpaca. I also looked into taking knitting lessons. With the plan to use the alpaca due to knit her a delightful sweater. Unfortunately February 14 came sooner than I expected and I found myself out in the cold world, shopping.

I hate shopping.

After endless ages wandering in the barren wasteland known as shopping, I narrowed my choices to a toaster oven or one of those George Foreman grills.

It was then I saw it, the oasis for every shopping-weary male in the world. A light gleaming in the darkness. Jewelry. I quickly looked up my wife’s birthstone and purchased her matching emerald necklace and earrings.

Of course she doesn’t have many outfits that will go with that color, she informed me. But that is fine; I can take her shopping for a new outfit sometime.

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