Thursday, April 23, 2015

Spring is Here; That Means One Thing

It is spring and that means facing one stark reality; I have put on weight over the winter. Actually, I have put on weight over the past 20 winters. Well, to be totally honest, I have put on weight over the past 20 winters, springs, summers, and falls.

Over those years, I have lost hundreds of pounds as well; unfortunately, it was the same 5 pounds, over and over again.

This spring, I have determined to lose weight. I am going to do this by eating healthy and getting more exercise.  From what my Facebook time-line tells me, this is the wisest way to lose weight, and I figure if it is on Facebook, it has to be true.

So, this afternoon, at lunch time, I started on my journey of healthy eating. I cast about the kitchen, considering all my options for a healthy diet. My gaze fell upon a box of raisins. Eureka! I shouted. I felt comfortable shouting that, because I was home alone.

Eureka! A raisin is a healthy food and one that should help me lose weight. After all, a raisin is simply a grape that has lost a lot of weight. I opened the container of raisins, took one out, and put it in a bowl. I walked to the dining room with my healthy lunch and sat down.

I stared at the lonely raisin in the large empty bowl and thought. I thought, “This is not a well-balanced diet. It is simply a lonely raisin in a rather large bowl. I must eat a balanced diet, for that is what it says to do on Facebook.”

I walked back to the kitchen and searched for something healthy to keep my lonely raisin company. I found a wonderful dairy product to add – vanilla ice cream. One large, well-rounded scoop was added to the bowl and the raisin placed on top. I took my healthy lunch back to the dining room and sat down to congratulate myself on my journey to health.

As I gazed upon my raisin in its bed of frozen dairy product I thought to myself, “this isn't a balanced meal at all. It's not healthy. I must have protein.” I picked up my bowl, with the raisin in its bed of ice cream and meandered into the kitchen. I looked about for an appropriate source of protein. I spied a jar of peanuts on the counter. Peanuts would be perfect, except for one thing, I am allergic to peanuts.

Instead of the peanuts, I opted for a spoonful of soy butter. It looks and tastes similar to peanut butter, but it doesn’t try to kill me.

I carried my bowl back to the dining room and sat down. I gazed at it, deep in thought. Something was gnawing at me. Something was wrong. I considered all the possibilities and quickly realized I had neglected carbohydrates.

I quickly grabbed the bowl and bolted for the kitchen. Pretzels! I crumbled a handful of pretzels on my lunch.

By now, I was becoming quite hungry and rushed back to the dining room to finally eat my mid-day meal.

Before I could dig in, I looked one last time at the bowl. It was well-balanced: fruit, dairy, protein, carbohydrates, but I needed something to tie it all together, to turn it into a meal worthy of not only my weight loss goal, but to please my highly-refined palate.

And so, yet again, I walked into the kitchen. This time I knew exactly what I needed and didn’t hesitate. I opened the refrigerator and pulled out the chocolate syrup. I applied just enough syrup to tie the entire dish together, creating a culinary masterpiece, from just the humble beginnings of one raisin.

I inspected my lunch carefully before I left the kitchen and realized I now had, basically, a brown blob. I needed color! What better way to add color, but sprinkles, and lots of them.

Finally, I was satisfied with my creation. I sat down at the dining room table, and grabbed my spoon to eat, when it hit me. It occurred to me that I had to be more cautious around silverware.

It also occurred to me that this lunch, this afternoon meal, was too much. There was simply too much in that bowl.

Therefore, I picked out the raisin, threw it away, and ate only what remained. 

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