Friday, February 18, 2011

When south is north and north is south.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the shifting of the north/south pole, and the resulting impact upon the world of airports and professional hockey. Now it appears that this problem is much more troublesome than previously reported. It seems that the north and south poles are about to trade places.

Scientists say that this process is not quick, but may take thousands of years. They also indicate that the last time it happened was 780,000 years ago, which was about ten years before the invention of classical music. Most scientists are quick to deny that any of them are that old, which obviously brings into question the accuracy of their observations, since they have not actually witnessed the last great “Flip-Flop”. Scientists say the evidence for pole reversal can be found in rocks. This begs the question, “are they stoned?”

However, they still insist that the process will take a long time and that during that time there may be multiple north and south poles at different points throughout the earth, such as Tahiti, Moscow, or even Moose Jaw, Canada. The apparent reason for this “Flip-Flop” is the boredom of the poles. Being stuck in such cold wintery conditions with no variety for 780,000 years would bore even the heartiest of souls. So the poles start to do a polka and dance their way across the globe, until eventually, after ten thousand years of polar oompahs, at least according to scientists, the south pole is in the middle of the arctic ocean and the north pole has taken up residence at McMurdo station.

Scientists are conflicted over the results of this polar shift. Some believe it could be the harbinger of another ice age, some are convinced that there will be hurricanes more powerful than have ever been recorded. Others believe that with the confusion of north and south poles, navigation will be impossible and that all air travel will hardly be possible. Congress will launch an investigation to find out who is responsible for the reversal. The TSA has announced both stepped up pat-down searches to prevent any terrorist attacks on either the north or south pole, and is looking into establishing checkpoints at all highway toll booths due to the possibility of terrorists hijacking mini-Coopers.  The only thing for certain is that during this period, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan will continue to spend as much time in and out of rehab as I do in and out of the supermarket.

I already wrote, in the previous post, about the effects of the pole shift on the National Hockey League, specifically the Penguins and the Lightning. With this new “Flip-Flop” information, I contacted other professional sports leagues for their statements. The National Football League’s response may or may not have been, “Per NFL policy we do not comment on matters of such magnetitude, however our head referee’s call is that the penalties for global warming and for the “Flip-Flop” would offset and result in no loss of downs.” Major League Baseball spokesperson, Ann Ominous (I think that is how she spelled her name) stated, “Upon the advice of our lawyer, MLB does not have a problem with steroids.”

This Flip-Flop could have some unforeseen positive impacts on the economy. All present maps would have to be reprinted. The flow of money to map makers may outweigh any negative impact of stalling the entire airline industry. I do not think it will, however, since the thrifty traveler could simply read his map while standing upon his head. This increase in blood flow to the head may increase intelligence and help bring an end to male pattern baldness.

Scientists are excited about what the future holds and encourage, “if you have the next few thousand years free, get ready for a once in a millennium event; grab a compass and track the movement of the magnetic poles.” As exciting as this invitation is for me, I am afraid I will probably have to pass. Although, I think it would be wonderful to lie on a warm beach in Tahiti late at night and gaze up at the northern lights as they dance across the sky.

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